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The program for the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. features a fun dual-language performance and an ad-libbed theatrical company. Conspicuously absent from the advertised schedule is this week's FIFA World Cup draw, likely because it is a strictly invitation-only event. Planners seem intent on prevent any unwanted attendees from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory procession where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly parrot the well-worn cliche that "football brings together the world."

An A-List Line-Up

The lavish event is scheduled to be hosted by television personality Heidi Klum alongside diminutive American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be gridiron star Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Collectively, they will preside over a ceremony that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age longing for the halcyon, pomp-free days of former managers, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of simple, numbered balls.

Set to last almost three long hours, the show will include a seemingly endless playlist of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, pre-vetted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from acts with perhaps little shame or enormous tax bills, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Duty

Included in those helping to carrying out the ceremony? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking balls under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the considerable, untapped reservoir of personality possessed by these veteran sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's hard to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are aware of that," was the statement. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when compared with other high-end goods.

The Main Event

With over forty teams already qualified for next summer's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the main draw begins. While fans across the globe wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their particular country will play in the initial phase, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which precedes the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "individuals who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and notable deeds." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is primarily in the US, speculation about the winner are ripe, though the clues are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the owner today. My connection with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have absolutely no worries whatsoever" – a statement from a manager whose side in the midst of a five-game winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Regarding the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an exciting Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to purchase a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an additional referee."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a political figure refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"